FRS: Idhu Namma Aalu

or if you prefer

Death is just one phone call away.

or if you prefer

A Disaster (enter number of years this year was in the making) ‘in the making’

INA

It is not often that FRS writers themselves think that a movie has elevated FRS from the depths of low-brow film criticism to the palatable levels of middle brow film criticism.

OK, I mean who cares, like as if you are going to know the difference between two kinds of film writing? Yes, we are talking to you reader.

At least take a moment and thank us for convening at this unGodly hour and writing about Simbu’s latest film, if this could be called a film(i.e).

 

Although we do have to write something, don’t we? Let us pause a bit and talk about..hmm..say how ideas are born.

Idea Man 1: Hey, wont it be a great idea if we made a film with Simbu and Nayan, you know rekindle some long lost shared excitement that we all had while slyly deciphering Kumudam kisu-kisu(gossip) about their past life!*

<LIGHT BULB IDEA>

EDUCATIVE INTERMISSION: for quite sometime the Simbu-Nayantara thingy was the Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie types of Kollywood, so like say Siyanthara or Nimbu.

Idea Man 2: Wow, what an idea; let them play lovers who discuss their own love life, you know…I mean…they have had at least from media reports… a long list of lovers!

<LIGHT BULB IDEA>

Whoever else who was in that room: YAAYYYYY!!!!!!!

Idea Man 3: Let’s get them to play IT people, so that we can insert generic social commentary, because this will be useful as we have nothing to shoot on screen whatsoever.

<LIGHT BULB IDEA>

Whoever else who was in that room: YAAYYYYY!!!!!!!

<Swear words used in plenty by FRS committee have been removed to suit audience>

-120: the money lost, sunk cost if you mean

-100: movie thinks IT guys and gals are sick nobodies who have lost all reasons to live, they are vacant bodies in branded shirts whose sole existence is to make telecom companies and credit card companies survive, they are also the target audience for this movie, hence director should be penalised for making excessive jibes at the industry which is basically going to pay him.

<also if anyone even has an idea about making fun of farming or farmers, you will be instantly burned>

Shows the absolute hypocrisy,We are all OK for some good fun on the expense of the IT industry, but yeah they get paid a lot and go to fancy restaurants and all buddies, but so do actors and actresses. Also there should be some background about the industry.

You are after all going to rob their money and do whatever you wanna do, this is so akin to the farmer/peasant/poor appeasement that dominates politics and hence culture as well. It also casts dark shadows on cities and those who inhabit them while easy deification of those who live in villages take place.

Movie also suggests that girls from villages do not look good in make up.

Let’s get back to the idea men.

Idea Men 4: Let’s make this an out and out comedy, let’s cast Soori in the role of the sidekick; let’s make him the hero’s friend.

Idea man 1: No no, friend has been done in so many films, let’s make him a driver, the hero’s driver!

Idea Man 2: A driver of the hero’s two wheeler

Everyone in the room: ROFLMAOs

-568K: This movie is the equivalent of absolute nothingness.

Maybe this was inspired by the teachings of Osho who is referenced in the film and we are mere writers of the FRS are not readers of spiritual teachings and hence cannot make sense about why there is so much nothingness in this movie.

There is so much nothingness in this movie that even FRS seems like a well written blog by thoughtful-aesthete-soft-spoken-gentlemen-who-listen-to-opera types.

The format of the movie is as follows.

Simbu calls Nayanthara (on the phone)….misses

Nayan calls Simbu (on the phone)…..misses

This happens close to two hundred times, sometimes there is Andrea also calling; sometimes their calls connect and they speak about how the number of missed calls have increased, seems highly philosophical to us. <revert to Osho>

-45: nayantha sings one Ilayaraaja song in the car, thankfully this only lasts a second but still we are mean people, we are not thoughtful-aesthete-soft-spoken-gentlemen-who-listen-to-opera types.

-890: Drone Photography: hey, DOP buddie! I get it you are excited about this new drone thing, you know slowly drawing up and down about cities, but Chennai and Thiruvayyaru are not like Gotham city or something, even if it is what are you establishing anyways?

Look mummy! so many drone shots!

Something, something happens and then there is a fight etc, and again this leads to some 300 phone calls, still no telecom company came forward to co-produce this movie.

Your open wikipedia tab on Director Pandiraj would remind you that he is a national award winner. As IT employees ( not proud and all, but yeah we have to make a living), we have been asked to make graphs and the one for Pandiraj would be one that shoots down nastily cutting the x-axis and shows no signs of stopping.

But, who cares, people ‘seem’ to be having ‘fun’, so it is all about fun.

‘jolly’, ‘breezy’ are the words that is often associated with these kind off films and in some dirty mind these are accepted as entertainments as well.

Who are we to question such a thing, after all the only major wish of the heroine is to be the one lady who will always fit the tie of the hero.

Hmmm.

Enough we are not going to write more about this film, a thousand words is too much, if you do not know what FRS is, please do check our previous blog posts.

An edited version of this post cannot be seen in any newspaper, because the original itself was not edited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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FRS: Captain America: Civil War

A note on the Fawlty Rating System (FRS)

*Initially thought about in 1934, it came to fruition only in the late 2000s.

*It is the only movie rating system in the universe to be based on a Buddhist scroll that was actually written by an Irish traveller who had been an assistant director in the movie “Birth of a nation”, the scroll was curiously titled “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari to make a Baahubali”

*The rating system is now named after the Irish Traveller, a small portion of the proceeds from this review will go to a bhel puri vendor in an undisclosed street corner for secret reasons.

*All numbers and words are arbitrary, mostly imaginary. They do not mean anything

A note on the Fawlty Rating System Ends

A second note fearing severe backlash.

Hi, right we acknowledge the fact that comic book fans wouldn’t go crazy over our review of Civil War. No we didn’t read the comic book based on which this movie was made, however good or bad it is, we do not know. The point being, movies are different from comic books and comic book movies are not just for comic book fans. If so these movies wouldn’t gross so much across the world.

People don’t read newspapers only, how will they read comic books? (hehe that’s…never mind)

Although there is a segment and since we are writing this from India, we are likely to be hit/tortured/abused by folk passing off as comic book geeks.

Hi to you all.

There, we have effectively enraged our target segment much before the review.

Now to the FRS.

civilwar1

-249.3: THIS MOVIE SUCKS!

Now, do we have to justify this? It does really.

I mean you have to believe us on this, just like Captain America believes whatever his friend ( who was the antagonist in the prev film, yes under the influence of some secret terror group, but still villain, mind you).

So if you like kill hundreds of people and go tell Cap, who is your friend that you did it under the influence, Cap will forgive you and believe and defend you till the world’s end, because………..urgh this movie sucks.

-1400: The tragedy of Tony Stark/Iron Man

Boss, one character is so cool for three movies in one franchise and suddenly he has like guilt about what he did in last movie and then he starts connecting to his family, dei flower in ear only. Added to this he is separated from Pepper Potts.

This whole MCU was set-up based on the coolness of Tony Stark, so if this had been Iron Man: Civil War, Stark would have been the guy opposing these government regulations.

So in next movie if he is quipping again like usual means, we will punch in face.

-560: One normal guy is able to break the Avengers

Because you know getting some extraterrestrial villain for this was not possible

-90: Girls even if they have super-powers will be confined, because Girls. Boys can roam.

-1.9K: Nobody has really anything to do in this movie, nobody, that is the reason why even Sam Jackson didn’t come, because already so many jobless characters and this Nick Fury anyway jobless.

What will he do?

eg: Vision, even Avengers dont know why he is there, except that he has one stone on his forehead which will turn out to be another franchise maker in some later movie which every fanboi will go “WOWO!” about.

Jeremy Renner as that archer, what he is doing from first avengers movie? If he was honest he should be giving back his salary.

Added to this another new character who will get his own stand alone movie when nobody cares to tell what he is doing in this movie apart from chasing the wrong guy: Black Panther.

-156: Cameos

Cameos are like-able, but if whole movie is just a setup for this Marvel Corporate to set up further movies. Then surely this must be condemned.

This movie is just one big doll assembly, like the GIJOE collection face off that kids do on Sundays. It is cool as a concept, one hero facing off against another, but we and they themselves realize nothing will come off it. (“this is not the true fight”etc)

This movie solely exists to realize the wet dreams of those who dream about Iron Man vs the Cap.

The Cap is so boring here (after a brilliant appearance in Winter Soldier) that he is not the main character in his own movie, Spidey gets more claps.

Every other plot point is an excuse for this big face off which happens in some airport, yeah the graphics and all is great, but so what?

The format of the movie is as follows

Set-up to action sequence.

mid action sequence quipping

post sequence quipping

mock-serious meeting with quipping

set-up to action sequence

mid action sequnce quipping

So you get how this is done

There is absolutely no depth in the new characters and we are expected to carry over the conflicting characteristics of existing characters. Every character speaks like they are in a trailer and not a movie, maybe this is not a movie and just a trailer.

Irritating this is true and I have to pay 120RS for a trailer.

+50: Ant-man is funny, but he is funny everywhere and his inclusion also is forced in what is already a forced fight.

-58: Conveniently doing away with what the story was building up to be

-100: Americanah shizz, Avengers stands for American Revengers only, they have right to attack any country in the pretext of world safety and will get guilt only when pointed out that one black American guy dies when a whole city-state was uprooted, and they say BvsS was a stupid movie.

BvsS at least dealt with issues far greater than a UN Accords which forms the flimsy pretext of this movie.

+786: Jesse Eisenberg who shows how good a villain can be, this MCU has no villain, it thinks it can function entirely on cool characters.

-2500: Yes to us, for previously supporting Marvel movies and trying to make sense of this mind vacating popcorn nonsense, it is time we switched sides, we hate this movie to an extent that it is in fact liberating.

Hate makes us stronger in the bigger scheme of things, these things should stop.

Holy, we should give ourselves even worse points on the FRS scale because we actually did like Age of Ultron.

Sorry we will tread with caution, hereafter.

-1: For every fan who tries to read too much into Marvel films or brush this off as saying it is ‘fun’, no this was excruciating.

-35: City names cover the screen, as if we cannot read “BERLIN'”it seems!

We read books and all, I’m sure we can read a few city names.

-19: Supporting non super hero characters, not supporting and purely unnecessary

-2 :Post credits

 

If this is the best of MCU, then Marvel has very low standards, I’m sure viewers should accept these standards as well.

 

 

FRS: 24

A note on the Fawlty Rating System (FRS)

*Initially thought about in 1934, it came to fruition only in the late 2000s.

*It is the only movie rating system in the universe to be based on a Buddhist scroll that was actually written by an Irish traveller who had been an assistant director in the movie “Birth of a nation”, the scroll was curiously titled “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari to make a Baahubali”

*The rating system is now named after the Irish Traveller, a small portion of the proceeds from this review will go to a bhel puri vendor in an undisclosed street corner for secret reasons.

*All numbers and words are arbitrary, mostly imaginary. They do not mean anything

A note on the Fawlty Rating System Ends

suriya_24_20012016_m

Let’s just get this straight, this is not an A for Attempt, E for Effort kind of review.

+89: The watch.

So this is a concept, the watch makes you go forward and backward in time, we like it; honestly we love it, there are immense possibilities that one can do with time travel, like say unite lost lovers, prevent wars or do something like Netru Indru Nalai. (which had a full blown time machine).

We like good concepts, so what do you do when you can control the uncontrollable viz. time?

The watch is also well designed, in fact that would be the next rating

+22: Attention to detail

Right so everything from the watch, the lab of Sethuraman which looks like one imagined by an author of steam-punk novels.

-231.455: Mismatch

I really get it that the writers and the director have re-imagined 1990 Tamil Nadu, which has an English castle, harry potter train and maple trees and Mad Max type bike racer henchmen, but the 2016 of Tamil Nadu is just like how it is now? Dei, i mean, dei!!!What happened to the Harry potter train?

-18: Suriya

Like OK, we realise we will mostly be killed by fans after this, but FRS committee has always held the view that there are limited characters that this actor can pull off, we know that we could be wrong entirely but consider us for one moment.

Suriya plays three characters

  1. Mani: ok this is the ‘normal’ guy we are supposed to identify with, he is exactly the same as ‘Ayan’ Suriya or the non Bodhidharmar ‘7am’ Suriya, in fact..never mind…what we are saying is…ok…not working…see there is a difference the way Kamal played PP Raja from ‘Savaal’, Raja from ‘AS’ and PKS from ‘PKS’ all three speak the same dialect but….ok..not going to go further on this point. Just saying Suriya plays the same guy, hence limiting.
  2. Sethuraman: this is the old Suriya from Varanam Aayiram who didn’t die but borrowed Stephen Hawking’s wheel chair.
  3. Athreya: coming to the much talked about character, who himself proclaims that he is a hard core villain, so that ends there.

That’s it not saying anything more about characters and all.

-20: Naming

Ok so, this Inventor Sethuraman has a brother named Athreya??

Like mean they seem to have been born in a royal type family(they have castle in the woods) which consults extensive naming books before naming twins like for example (Arpan-Darpan), this Sethuraman-Athreya naming convention, we dunno not working that’s all.

Another character named Mani, to drive in the ‘Time’ theme of the movie.

-58: Saravana Stores on my mind

Product placement!!! And whenever Suriya smiles it looks exactly like the one where he invites all our family members to visit the store.

 

-25: Ladies

This is in line with existing traditions only, mothers will be sacrificing and will only be worried about getting their sons married.

Girls will believe whatever hero says, especially in the time of google-android-shizz at your fingertips, like if the hero tells that there is disease you are suffering from, girl will believe, no questions asked; yeah yeah it is very cute and all.

And they fall in love.

-5: Poovum, Pottum (flowers and bindi)

Again concept, girl becomes divine with this and all heroes will force this on all heroines so that they become divine. Later they will rise to heaven.

+78: Malinga made fun of.

-300.9: Watch-mechanic as a lucrative career option

Like sir, what’s the time?

Man takes mobile phone and tells us the time, see NO WATCH. So in these no-watch times, the protagonist runs what seems to be a really successful enterprise here and he also rides a Royal Enfield Cafe Rider, also more points would be deducted for not even mentioning that it was bought on loan(was it?).

Think about the EMI, guys.

-100: Every time hero mentions one phrase, full theatre resorted to collective sighs, the air released during these sighs caused more suffocation and a near death experience

-40.9: Generic songs, generic bgm disappointing when visually the movie has so much to show, the music does little to heighten the experience.

Even more so on the supporting actors, they have little or no space to play.

+120.003: But wait! It ain’t that kind of movie!

No it isn’t, we are nitpickers.

24 is bang on track when it keeps to its time travel concept. The interval and the initial portions are absolutely well done, which kept us guessing on what could be the next move, similar scenes were observed in the second half as well; but then the deviations were too in the face to ignore,for example the whole love and family track.

Like if you think an entire family going on ‘moun vrat’ for a single day is cute, then you can erase all the minus ratings that we have put out.

Also if you are irritated, think that this is not film criticism, we suggest you to scroll up to read a short note on FRS.

Thank you.